Tuesday, October 1, 2013

Insecurities + Infatuation = The Making of a Bad Relationship

I’m in a relationship that I don’t like, but I lack the courage to get out because I’m scared of loneliness. Wait, actually, I broke up with her on Sunday afternoon and then made up with her on Sunday evening when I remembered that loneliness may return without her. Loneliness has never been an issue for me until this year. As a certified introvert, I value spending a lot of time by myself. But lately, it’s no longer fun being alone. There have been days when I’ve literally cried because of loneliness (first I feel lonely, then I think of madam and what she may be doing, and then the tears flow. It always happens in that order). The weird thing is that I have really good friends and family who I spend a lot of time with, yet there is this emptiness in my life that I feel can only be filled by a romantic relationship. Honestly, the whole thing is quite unsettling, especially since I've always thrived alone, and always strongly believed that I do not need a romantic relationship to feel fulfilled.

Now about my current relationship. I’m dating a friend of the girl who friend zoned me, Friend zoned chic (FZC)—the name almost sounds like she is some kind of chicken fast food restaurant. Anyway.  I met the girl I’m currently dating at a girl's night in that FZC had for her friends. Current girl (CG) liked me and flirted with me a lot that night. She asked for my number, I gave it to her, and the rest is history. Our relationship is mostly based on CG's infatuation and my need for companionship. I know, it has mess.com written all over it. I don't need you to rub it in. 

There have been a lot of awkward moments between us that stem from the fact that I first liked and still like her friend. CG always feels that I flirt with FZC whenever I'm around her, and that I compare her to FZC, which is not exactly true, especially since the differences between them are almost like night and day.  Unfortunately, I’m one of those people who find intelligence highly attractive. I can’t help it. It’s among the top three things I look for in a woman. I remember the night when we had this conversation. She asked me what I looked for in a woman, and I told her about intelligence. Her reply was, “I know you want someone who is smart like FZC, but I’m sorry, I’m not that smart” (not that I didn’t already know this). I replied with an oh no, you’re really smart in your own way type of reply. I wasn’t just saying it to make her happy. Everyone is smart in their own way. But personally, I don’t find all smarts attractive. For instance, I really don’t care for fashion smarts. It makes no difference to me whether someone knows the history of the pencil skirt and high heels.  Anyway, besides the intelligence thing, CG also feels that FZC has the ideal look I like in a woman, and that is absurd to me, because I don’t have an ideal look per se. I’m most drawn to intelligence, values, and an overall feminine appearance.

CG is a really sweet, feminine girl. I enjoy talking to her and spending time with her, but we also have different values and interest. She still lives like she’s in college. She really enjoys clubbing, partying, getting drunk, and stuff like that. That is literally all she does for fun! Nonstop! I have no problem with people who enjoy that kind of lifestyle, but I believe there is more to life beyond loud music and alcohol. She told me she had a 1.0 GPA and was on academic probation during her first year of college because she partied a lot and fell behind on her academic work. I cringed at the information and I would have preferred not to know about it. (Yesterday, I told BLG about the 1.0 GPA and BLG said, "wait, I thought 2.0 is like the lowest GPA someone can get"). CG somehow managed to get her shit together, and she’s now an elementary school teacher.

I talked to CG about my concerns about our differences. She believes that we can make it work. She told me that I shouldn’t approach the relationship from the stand point of our differences. She said I should focus on the areas in which we are compatible and build the relationship from there. And so I guess the fact that we’re still together means that that is what I’m doing. I’m taking CG’s advice and trying to focus on the positive aspects of our relationships. CG makes me happy. CG makes me laugh a lot. CG makes me feel less lonely. Em… what else? 


  1. Ehnnnnnn!!!!
    So babym you've been hiding all this from me, well done o *side eye*
    To be honest, you aren't with CG for the right reasons. Companionship is not just enough but oh well I guess for now that's the available option. Just don't get hurt and try not to hurt her too.

  2. This really reminds me of my situation earlier this year so much. I was alone and felt that a relationship would feel that void, so I got into a relationship and now I'm out of it. Oddly enough the relationship made me value my loneliness, I'd rather be alone that with people that don't understand me. So now I think what I wanted was someone to understand and be there for me, not necessarily a relationship.

  3. U really don't like d character of dis person so wat exactly r u workn out? Dis isn't abt external features,dis is d inner man of d person,d one u will av to live with.thrz no guarantee dat d person will change.u can stay as friends and try 2mk her grow bt if u know she doesn't have anyof d qualities u want in a lady u date,u'll end up hating her later on.as for loneliness,have u ever heard of d phrase alone but not lonely? No one else can fill d void in u but urself.find peace in u and get happy being with u b4 u can align ur life wt someone's else's.no one can fill d void of loneliness in ur life but u.u better b alone than jump into sometin u don't really want.


  4. Please someone explain to me why I am here and cheesing like an idiot.....:s...
    LG....me I am just here to enjoy your gist...BLG is so cute with that comment..LMAO

  5. *dusts off armchair psychologist glasses*

    I think part of the reason you didn't have any overwhelming desire to be romantically linked before is because of the feelings and struggles you had coming to terms with your sexual preference.

    As per CG, I'm sure plenty of us have been there. I think that if you see some merit in pursuing a relationship with her, i say go for it. But if you know in your heart of hearts that you really don't want anything serious with her, and not just because of your feelings for the other girl, you should let her know that you should just continue as friends.

  6. I'm with Frances and LadyNgo on this one, sweerie. You know how to reach me if you need to talk. (adura ojo email) Take care of yourself. Hope it all becomes clearer and you're smiling soon. *Hugs*

  7. i need a lesbian friend in port harcourt. can you guys link me up? and please no cussing. thanks

  8. You wrote down what many people think and do but don't share with other people. Loneliness is a crazy thing. That void can make someone run mad and it's weird cos there are people around you who love you and will be at your side at the snap of a finger but they are just not enough!! I know that feeling too well but please don't be with anybody for the wrong reason. You will hate the situation later and someone will get hurt. I'm usually very optimistic about everything but this one mba. Find happiness from God and yourself The right person will come. The longer you stay with the wrong person the harder, more complicated and messy the whole situation gets.

    Please, biko prevent future hurt.

  9. blessings..
    Title says it all.


  10. Since October 1st insecurities and infatuations. Well done

  11. 2 months later I see this post.

  12. congratulations guys, quality information you have given!!! Advice by Valiant Hospitality


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