Monday, January 14, 2013

Kisses, Vulnerability, and Living



After the second date, every cell in me wants to back up and run as fast as possible. But there is a tiny part of me-- this one cell-- that keeps reminding me of my New Year resolution to live with my arms wide open and be vulnerable. What that means, I'm not sure. All I know is I wrote a resolution to give up control and just live. I noticed that the more I fought for control, the less control I actually had. And so I decided to go with the flow of the universe God. I want to be vulnerable, to experience new things and enjoy life as it unfolds. And this is what that one cell keeps reminding me about. It’s also the reason why I decided to not only go out with White dude (WD), but to also give Hot Naija Neighbor, one Igbo boy like this, and one Yoruba guy I met at one event a chance. I’m excited. I’m apprehensive. I’m a bag of mixed emotions.I will write about all the dates, so you guys can make your goofy faces (you know yourselves) at my expense. I'm not sexually or emotionally attracted to any of these men, but the thing is at the end, I will finally be able to raise my arms and say that I have dated men in my life time (insert whatever face and emotion you want here...lol).



So on to the second date with WD. Hmm, I’m surprised at the ease with which I’m writing about my “heterosexual” dating experiment experience, considering the difficulty I experience when I write about anything gay. Those posts are never easy to write, and they are not getting any easier even with time. I always worry about how they would be received by my family (they read this blog) and by everyone else. I find that I kind of “censor” myself most of the time. I think that explains why I’ve not written explicitly on lesbian dating, the years before I believed I was asexual, or the events that led to my coming out when I did. There’s a story to that ish. But anyways, this post is about the second date. 

I was looking forward to visiting this particular gallery.  It had been on my mental "to visit" list for while. And so when WD invited me on a date to an event at the gallery I knew the answer immediately. I could kill two birds with one stone: see the gallery and go out with WD. 

We showed up at roughly the same time. He gave me that big hug again, but I wasn't as uncomfortable as the first time. Then we went into the gallery and looked at three floors of sensuous art. Thankfully, there was an abundance of finger foods to fuel the night. We started on the first floor. We walked side by side with a few inches between us. At times, I even walked slightly ahead of him...hehe. We got closer on the second floor. I could feel his shoulder and arms at times. We held hands on the third floor. When he put his hands in mine, my first internal reaction was:

and:

And if it wasn't for that one cell that keeps persuading me to stay open, I would have removed my hands from his in this fashion:

After walking around and listening to some artists talk about their works and inspirations, he asked me whether I wanted to have dinner. I was hungry, even though I had eaten a heavy meal before I left home. I declined because it was almost 10 pm at that point, and I didn't want to go home late. So we kind of sat on a bench and talked a little more. He said sweet things about me and expressed his feelings for me and what not. Unfortunately, the feelings are not mutual. I just sat there starring at him. He's handsome. I thought. He will make a good boyfriend for some girl out there. We got up and slowly made our way towards the exit. We stopped and talked on the second floor hallway overlooking the atrium. I noticed his hand on my lower back. And that was when it almost happened. 

He moved in and tried to kiss me. I turned my face away and told him I couldn't kiss him because I was still getting to know him. Isn't the second date too soon, even if you've known each other for close to a year through phone? I don't know. He apologized. 

At the end of the night, he gave me that hug again, and asked if he could kiss me on my cheeks. I agreed. He gave me three kisses. 


11 comments:

  1. Hi Prism. Hmmm...you have been busy! Some of that was uncomfortable to read. I kind of understand why you're putting yourself through this but wish you wouldn't. The end could justify the means, I guess. But what about the thought of 'using' these men along the way? It's not like you don't know what your sexuality is. Sorry if that comes across as harsh or undiplomatic (my worst fault, I know). Just being honest and asking you to reflect some more on the issue. Perhaps take a step back and be sure you're doing the right thing for you and everyone involved here.

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  2. hehehehe ghenz! Action film.

    hmmmm mehn this is a tough one sha. As much as I want you to be hetero, I actually took a step back to examine if you would be happy. I don't know sha but to me, this post does not spell excitement or happiness at being hetero.

    I just want you to be happy.

    Its such a tough nut to crack.

    Kisses my blogger lover hehehe

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  3. #sigh but yay on HNN though. Lets see how that and the rest go

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  4. I honestly feel like this doesn't work. Unless the guy understands you're just friends, it feels like using to me, especially when you're almost disgusted by his amorous advances? Come on prism, flip the script will ya? What if a bi or hetero woman jerked you around like that, especially if they had no inkling of attraction to you? I think you should explore this only with guys you have a modicum of attraction for, those who know where you're coming from, or not at all.

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  5. I totally agree with Naijalines...take a step back and flip the coin.

    I wish you all the best.

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  6. The gifs always make me laugh... Glad you enjoyed the Gallery.

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  7. Sadly Im sitting on the fence here. As someone who has gone on dates and told 'I'm not ready for a relationship" I m getting to accept that a date is a date unless other commitments have been made. So go on and have fun.


    BUT if wd is expressing feelings, maybe you could be honest with him?

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  8. Not exactly sitting on the fence lol.
    Goofy face still at your disvirgined cheeks!

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  9. First reaction- YUCK!! Don't see him again
    Reviewed reaction- Seriously, don't see him again

    You made it sound like you were being punished and yeah I agree with Naijalines, some of that was uncomfortable to read. DON'T SEE HIM AGAIN!!

    I'm sounding someohow abi? Lol. Maybe it's how you wrote it.

    You've got family that read this blog? Wow... You're doing a good job at keeping this secret. All will end well. Say Amen.

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  10. From a guy *me* i think its time to switch lanes..You know ,like use any other lane but WD`s coz he is on Cruise Control whiles your still trying to figure how fast or slow u wanna go..

    Side joke:this guy don`t play,i mean he had permission to give u a kiss on the cheek and he gave 3? No No he don`t Play ..lol

    I must commend your bravery too..doesn`t get realer than this.

    ReplyDelete

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