Why girl I think is hot tell me she like me now when I making resolution to ignore girls and put mind on God?
Why life work this way?
Why devil fucking act like this? (I wonder why I curse when I write, but not when I speak. I guess curse words are just part of a writer’s arsenal. Why write the devil is evil, when you can write the devil is fucking evil. It gives the words a little oomph. It makes the devil not just evil, but fucking evil---haha, ignore meaningless explanation!) Just when I’m having an awesome time in my relationship with God, the devil decides to show up and ruin things. Why fucking now? Couldn’t he wait till, at least, when things are a bit sour between me and God before he showed up? Oh, never mind. That isn’t how the devil works. He’s supposed to be disruptive. He shows up in the middle of your awesome, teeny-weeny relationship with God, and then he has no more use for you once your relationship is over. Freaking genius.
A few days ago, I was in a solemn worship mode, singing praises, praying, studying scripture, reflecting, meditating, writing resolutions, words of wisdom and inspiration and all those other good things that show up when you cast all the burdens of this world aside to focus on something bigger than you, when my friend, Flower, texted me to know whether I'd like to have dinner with her. I've known Flower for more years than my fingers, and since I hadn't seen her in a while, I quickly replied that I'd love to. In another text a few minutes later, Flower told me that she was actually thinking of a girls' dinner with some of her female friends. I thought that was even better. I've met some of the friends she planned to invite before and we got along really nicely. They were all a cool and fun bunch to be around.
So dinner day came. Still full of the spirit, I sang praise songs on my way to the restaurant, with occasional hand lifting and waving moments. I showed up at restaurant parking lot at the same time as Flower's friend, Sweater. Sweater is one of the friend's I've met previously -- two times to be exact. We exchanged greetings and hugs before we walked in together to meet the rest of the group. The waiter took the group to our table and I sat on the first chair I saw. Sweater took the chair directly across from me, so we ended up facing each other the whole time. Now only flower knows I'm gay, and on one random night a real long time ago, she had asked me question about what kind of girls I find attractive. I told her I found intellect to be highly attractive, but she dismissed my comment like garbage and started going through a list of her female friends. As she called out each name, I was to say whether I found the person attractive or not (Gosh, did my friend have a thrill that night. She was laughing her butt off as I said hot or nahhh. And each time she wanted an explanation). Anyway, so that night, Sweater's name came up and the verdict was hot. I will just say this: Sweater is FIIIIINNNNNNEEE! That girl is sezzy and sez appeal. She really got it going on physically.
But back to the dinner. As we were all talking, laughing, and eating, I noticed that Sweater was
watching me staring at me while I ate. That shit is freaking uncomfortable when someone is staring at you as you raise your silverware full of food to your mouth, put it inside your mouth, chew the food and everything. It makes you start to wonder whether you are exhibiting some kind of bad table manners. Next thing I knew, Sweater asked, "Prism, what's on your mind?"
Ahn Ahn? What's on my mind? nothing, nothing o. norring at all. "Nothing," I replied. I kind of looked away to join back in the group conversation.
"Prism, what's on your mind?" Sweater asked again. "You look as if something is on your mind."
Ah, egba mi o. "Norring! Norring is on my mind," I answered.
By this time, the whole table was focused on us. The other girls were kind of looking at each other with a confused /curious glance.
"Prism, do you have a boyfriend?" Sweater asked.
"No. No, I don't."
I continued eating and Sweater continued staring at me occasionally. At the end of the night, I and another girl decided we were going to spend some time at Flower's house before we went home while the other girls, including Sweater said goodnight and went to their own homes.
We had barely entered Flower's place when we saw Sweater's car pull up in the parking lot. When we got inside the house, Flower went into her kitchen to get out some drinks for everyone. I kept talking to her from her breakfast bar. Sweater came and put her arms around my neck.
"Prism, I just realized you have dimples." She came closer and put her hands on my face. Flower said something from the kitchen. "Flower, I think I find this your friend attractive. I don't know why I'm interested in this your friend." She was kind of hugging me inappropriately and blushing. I started to pray in tongues.
God please send your hurricane wind to blow way this temptation from me. God please -- my mind shifted gears. I thought about whether I had given off any signs that I was gay. Did I look at her inappropriately? Did I say something gay? Was I walking and acting in that subconscious way people always say is a bit masculine? What did I do? Flower didn't tell her I'm gay, right? No, Flower keeps stuff to herself! I knew I wouldn't find the answer. It's like I no longer know when I do "gay things." I remember the last time I went to a game with a friend who doesn't know I'm gay. I had innocently blurted out, "look at those cheerleaders in the corner" at one point during the game. Yet my friend did a double take at me, before asking, "did you change your sexual preference since the last time I saw you?" She went on and on about how a straight girl would or wouldn't have said the same thing. I don't know again o.
"Prism, have you ever considered women?" Sweater asked with the tone of a sezzy woman who is used to getting the answer she expects. She was still hugging and touching me inappropriately. Now the thing about Swearra is that I've known her as straight. She always talked about her boyfriends and relationships. I knew she had made wrong choices in men, but now I felt she deserved the bad men, especially if this was how she got them in the first place. I didn't know she had this hint of what, bicuriosity or is it bisexuality?
"YES!!!" I screamed impulsively. Kai, the kind of speed wey the answer take rush comot for my mouth ehn, Chineke, fada God have mercy.
Flower was #DEAD in the kitchen. I saw her increase the pace at which she opened the bottle of wine. She couldn't wait to watch how this would unfold with alcohol flowing in Swearra's system. (She hadn't drank anything up to that point and I don't drink). I saw Flower grab popcorn in her mind too.
I gathered myself and said, "I'm joking. No, I don't do women."
Flower died again in the kitchen, but not with laughter. Disappointment glazed over her face. How could the movie be fucking over before it even began.
Later, I heard Sweater say to the other girl who was in the house with us, "I decided to come here once Prism said she was coming here."
Anyway, I end now. I spare everyone details of what happened by time bottle of wine empty. I like this type of English. I writing like this in text messages: I here. I on way. I almost there. Now I writing like this in blog too. I throw away letters and words I don't want.